site search by freefind	advanced

The Tap Filter

"I bought something wonderful today," said her friend to her. "It's a filter for the tap in my kitchen and the difference is amazing. You should get one, if you don't have one yet." She thought it a marvellous idea and the very next morning went with her friend to buy one. "It's a cinch," said her friend. "Just follow the instructions and it will take you a couple of minutes to fit it onto the tap. You will bless me! The water tastes completely different. It's actually clean!

On her way home, she carefully read the instructions. In a very short time she was able to place it on the tap in her kitchen. There, she thought. Terrific. It actually fits. But, it leaked from the top. She took it off and examined it. There were two funny looking round rubber things. She switched them, placed it back on the tap and tried it. It leaked from the bottom. Again she took it off and tried it the original way and it still leaked. After an hour she gave up and went downstairs to her hardware store and asked him what to do.

"Why didn't you buy it from me?" he asked. "I would have put it on for you. For free!"

"I didn't know you had one," she told him, "but what am I going to do with the one I have?"

"Did you give it a good twist with your pliers?" he asked. "That's probably all it needs."

"Oh. No...." said she.

"Well, just you try it. You will see it will work."

"Ah," she hesitated; "I don't have a pliers...."

"You don't have pliers!" He makes a statement out of this, looks at the three men clustered behind her, all nodding their heads wisely in great agreement.

"How can you run a home without pliers? No wonder everything is a mess and goes wrong! Have you ever?" He shakes his head, looks for agreement from the other male egos and gets manly shrugs all around. They all seem to agree.

Feeling outnumbered and totally frustrated, she meekly asked him what sort of a pliers she should buy.

"The best!" said the male in full flight!

"Fine. May I have a good one then, please?"

The price he quoted staggered her, but not wanting any more discussions, she paid and rushed back home to get her tap going. Now it was a matter of pride. She was not be outdone by any males, especially since her own was on his way home and she promised him clean filtered water!

A couple of good twists, said the hardware man. She applied herself and it no longer leaked, just dripped. Well, she thought, delighted, nothing to it! She gave it another twist. Nothing! It dripped and she decided one more twist should do it. The top came loose, and the whole bloody tap plus filter fell into the sink.

When her Lord and Master came home, she told him the sad story. He tut-tutted her, gave her a kiss and a hug and told her not to worry. He would fix it in the morning. It looked simple enough, he told her. Actually, there was nothing to it. She was not to give it another thought. By the time she got up in the morning, it would be waiting for her. Ready for use.

When he left the next day, she examined the filter; true, it was on the tap. It seemed to be stuck there precariously. She tried it; it dripped and it had a couple of new scratches on it. So much for the male ego, she thought and decided to ignore the filter; what's a little drip in a marriage? It was good clear water and filtered!

Her friend wanted to know how much she was enjoying the fresh water. "Great," she told her. "Just great. Amazing difference!"

It was terrible; it drove her crazy and it leaked all over the place. It infuriated her every time she came into the kitchen. Was she really such a dope? So, she would try it this way and that and whichever way she put it on, it would drip or leak. Everything was fine until one day she got good and cross and gave it such a twist that the bloody thing cracked. Utterly disgusted, she went downstairs to the hardware store.

"Do you still have the water purifiers?" she asked him.

"Sure do," he said.

"OK." she told him. "I give in. Could you come and install one of yours for me?"

He laughed! "Lady, where did you get such an idea? Do I have time for such things? Here, take one and put it on yourself! It's very simple; all you need is a good pair of pliers," he laughed.

She wanted to hit him! Storming out of the store, she was furious. Adding to her frustration was the fact that suddenly her husband wanted a purifier on the tap. He thought it a wonderful idea; warned her that he would be getting all sorts of stones in his kidneys if they didn't have one! Apparently male kidney stones went with the male ego, she ranted to herself walking. "What about my kidneys! Why must they live in a country that created kidney stones, anyway?" she muttered to herself. "What did people do before the filter was invented? So what's a bit of sand in one's kidneys! Good, proper Israeli sand…"

Walking helped. She decided that her best bet would be to get the new one from that he-devil in the hardware store and if it did not work, he would just have to come up and fix it. Willing or not!

Back she went and asked for the purifier.

"Oh, sorry, sweetie," said he. "Just sold the last one."

She only just got a hold of herself before the Great One came home; sheepishly, she told him the story. True to his form, he became logical. "Did you not receive a guarantee with the first one you bought?" he asked. "Where did you buy it? Do you still have it?"

"Sure I do" she said and found the box with everything in it.

"Here," he said. "Look, there is a phone number to call in Jerusalem if something is wrong, it says so right here. It's really very simple. Why do women always make such a fuss about things?"

He phoned and phoned again and finally about an hour later got Asher in Jerusalem, who was most polite and told him that yes! Yes, it sure was their filter. Great invention, right? They sell it all over the world and everybody tells them…"

"To whom do I complain?" she asks the patient one.

OH. How very unsettling! Never had any complaints before! So very upsetting, how could that happen? But, yes, they have two representatives in Tel Aviv and here are the telephone numbers and all we have to do is get through to one of them; a new filter will be on its way to him immediately...

His patience is legendary and he needed all of it and more, but neither number worked and he did not get through that day, or the next.

The following day she had an idea. Why not go back to where she bought it originally and ask them what to do with it? She knows she will get nothing but trouble, but at the end of her wits, she decides it's her last resort. So, in a fighting mood and with all her guns at the ready, she marches into the store and is stopped by the guard asking her politely if he can help her. Slightly deflated she tells him her problem.

"Oh" says he, "you need that blonde lady over there in the corner. See her? She likes to help people. Just go over to her and tell her your problem." She is very skeptical but thanks him and goes over to the blonde, who looks more like a wrestler than a lady and who growls at her with a "NU?" as she lifts a ringing phone and barks into it.

She counts till five, then five again and says that she will wait until the call is over.

"WHY?" The battle-ax wants to know, while continuing her conversation on the phone. She waits and finally, the call completed, the blonde just sits there; looks at the ceiling. "You were going to tell me something, right?" she finally smirks.

Taking a deep breath, she starts telling her story; the blonde listens, helps four other people during the recitation, takes a sip of her tea, shrugs her enormous shoulders and says, "OK. OK, already! Let me see it already!"

Stunned, in silence she hands her the box with the filter. The wrestler pokes it this way and that way and says; "Ya, I remember" she smiles and suddenly becomes quite pretty and charming. "This thing is quite defective, you know. We had trouble with this one. I am sorry. Did you have a lot of trouble with this one? Looks quite battered, doesn't it? But, never you mind! Would you like a new one? Or would you like your money back?"

Stunned, she can just mumble: "A new one, please...."

"All righty, then" sings out the charmer. "I will bring you one if you could just wait a few minutes. I shall go downstairs and bring you a brand new one and we will check it out together..."

After all these years, she still marvels at Life in Israel.

Send your questions to The Wacky Cook: email: debbiemorgenshtern@gmail.com      

Debbie Morgenstern is the author of "My Life in Israel" and other short stories.
"My Life in Israel" can be purchased by accessing this link: "My Life in Israel"